I am strong.

I know that a person should never ask why, and for the most part I don't. You have to take the good with bad, and share your experiences with other people. I know that. I get it.Right now I am going to go into melt down mode. All of the marines call me mom or SgtMajor of marine corps base Lake Elsinore. Thats me. Mom to any marine that walks into my life. I also put them in line when they step out of line. Thats what I do.Last month I had one of the marines mom contact me and ask me how to send a red cross message. The wheels in my head started turning. I know this. I have delt with death and the military before. Think Kelli Think. O.K. I got my thoughts in order and and I told her how to do it. She had to send a red cross message to her son who kinda busy fighting a war. We talked. I tried to comfort her.Last night my phone rang, and since I did not know the number I sent it to voice mail. A few moments later Amber cam in and said you need to get up LeeRoy is on the phone, his sister just died.Crap. Grab my glasses, robe and Rusty's slippers. I went outside to call LeeRoy. There was big bad marine crying on the phone to me. His sister finally lost her battle with cancer. She was 26 and she left three small children behind.My mind goes back to just a week ago when I told LeeRoy everything that he needed to do. You got to get home, take care of your mom. Most off make sure the little ones are surrounded by love and support.Then Leeroy says "We went and made all the arrangements... before she died. Mom do you know how creepy that is?" Yes my dear son I do I did the samething for my dad."Mom I can't believe my sister just died. We should be laying our parents to rest, not each other." Yes my son. I know that as well. Remember last year when I laid my sister to rest."Mom here is all the info will you please call everyone and let them know?" Yes my son I will do that for you.My shoulders are going to break. Oh wait they can't. I can handle anything because God would not give me more then I could handle. It just seems like a lot.

I think I need a job.

This mom and house wife gig is getting old. Last night I got the whole house cleaned up, because I was going to grocery shopping, so when the hell?

I got up this morning to my kitchen just trashed. The dogs got into the trash and Nikki decided to cook something at 10 p.m. last night! She was even kind enough to leave everything for me to clean up.

For some odd reason I got up when Rusty did and I just looked at him and told him that I am giving him my two weeks notice and that I am done with this gig. He just laughed. Nikki overheard me and said "Please don't go back to work". Are you kidding? I did I lot less work when I did work.

I want one of those little machines that tell you how far you walk in a day. I know I would run circles around anyone in this house.

There was no sense in bitching about it. I just dove in and got it done. I even defrosted the freezer and got it all wiped down. It really was not that bad considering the freezer is almost bare anyway.

Tomorrow I have no choice but to go grocery shopping. I chose not to go today because it is raining here. I don't mind driving in the rain, its all the other stupid people on the road that bother me.

Yesterday I got a little quilt top done. I wanted something little but funky to cover a little end table. It looks so cool. I need to get some more smaller quilt tops done, so I can lay a ton out all at one time.

Why are young people so stupid? One of my marines has decided that he is going to get married this weekend. What? He met this gal on line and they have only seen each other for two months. I will not allow this marriage to happen, I don't care if I have to hog tie him and keep him in the garage. Sometimes young people can be so stupid.

I took up another challenge, beside my baking everything from scratch. I am eating my way through my pantry. At first I thought this challenge would go by quick. First you get rid of any expired food and then you have to eat what is in your pantry, and make do with what you have.

My pantry is very deep, and there was a ton of food in there, and to be honest there was more food then I thought. I did have to buy the basics like sugar and vegi's, but we are still eating out of the pantry. It is amazing how much money I am saving and it has made me realize just how much food we do have.

Last night I was trying to find something for dinner. I ended up grinding up some meat and making hamburgers. No, I did not have hamburger buns but we had other buns, so we ate them up. Now I had to find stuff to mix into the ground beef. There in my pantry was two things of bread crumbs. Really? I can't remember the last time I used bread crumbs. Anyway everyone liked the homemade hamburgers better then the store bought kind, so I guess I will keep making my own.

My laundry is calling me, so I better get on it.

my chest.

I swear the last two weeks have been hell on me. First my tumors were bothering me and now I got a damn sinus infection. I guess it really isn't and infection since the stuff I am blowing out is not green. I have been using a lot of old wives tales and they really work. At one point I thought my teeth were going to pop out of my head, now I can open my mouth and kinda chew.

Anyway on to my chest. When I turned 16 I asked my dad for a ceder chest, and he bought it for me. I loved that thing, and I have toted it around the world. I really wanted my great grandmothers chest, but I was told no that I could not have it. My great grandmothers chest was huge. and there is just a treasure trove of stuff in there.

Well last weekend Nikki had her winter formal and she asked me if I had any gloves. You know "the old kind that the ladies wore. They would go up past the elbow." As a matter of fact I do. I went into the garage, and cleared off the top of my ceder chest, and attempted to open it.

I started digging. I found my first sleeping bag, some of the girls baby stuff, old photo albums, a note my dad wrote me, and then there they were the gloves. Nikki jumped for joy, but in the end she wore the little Jackie O style gloves.

After Nikki left I went back out to my chest, and I pulled out my sleeping bag. It has raggedy Ann and Andy on it. I folded it just right, and then I hung it next to Rusty's great grandmothers quilt. The marines and Rusty were just looking at me. I finally said "This is my first sleeping bag and I have a picture of my grandmother helping Santa fix it up right. I can either let it finish rotting in the chest or I can hang it up and get some joy out of it, and then throw it away."

Rusty just smiled and said "I have never seen that before". Yep I believe it. That chest has been a taboo place for anyone but me. Those are my memories and no one needs to be in there.

Oh dear Lord I just turned into my mother! My mother has the chest that I wanted, and I asked her one time if she even knew what was in the chest. She said that she knew some of the stuff, including the dead relatives, but most of it she has no idea about. There are family pictures in there, and we don't know who they are! No one ever took the time to pass along all this information.

Here I am with my own chest. It is full of memories and if I don't start telling my children about this stuff then they will never know. I have a note in there that my father wrote to me when I left for Europe. Before I left I told my dad to step off and that I hated him. Then when I landed I called him and told him that I hated him and that I was never coming back. I then went and unpacked my bags and I found a note from dad saying that he hopes we can have a wonderful relationship when I get back. There was also $800 in there.

I need to tell my children these things. I also need to clear out the junk. Today I went into the chest and grabbed out two photo albums. I started flipping through the pages and I realized that what I once thought was valuable is now trash. Why do I have pictures of people I will never see again, or of people that I did not even like back then. I took out some of the photos, and threw the rest away.

Its funny. When I got that chest and I started putting stuff in it I thought that was the most important stuff. Now I am looking at it and discovering that it is not important and that is important is right here in this house right now.

On another note. Rusty got his dream job! I am so proud of him. We are still waiting to see what is going to happen with the house.

a very calm Friday night.

Well, I made it through another week. I have been busy this week, but it seems that I have done earth shattering. Right now I am just enjoying the sound of nothing. Rusty is sitting next to me reading a book, and Ryan is watching t.v. Everyone else is gone for the night.

Tomorrow is the first weekend of fund raising. I am bracing myself for another long year of raising money for Nikki's mission trip. This year she is going to the Philippines. I can't wait for Nikki to go. I know that may sound strange, but I love the fact that my daughter has these opportunities. I am also glad that Rusty and I have learned to just roll with the punches.

Amber got an upsetting phone call today. One of her friends is in the hospital, and it looks like she may be delivering her baby almost 7 weeks early. Amber is trying to figure out what she can do, I told Amber to keep her bum at home. I swear Amber is going to hack up a lung, so she does not need to be around them. I did tell Amber that I would be willing to take over some dinners or do what ever. All she has to do is let me know what she needs.

I had a flash to when Amber was born. Amber was born early by a crash c section. I almost lost her. Man I so know this gals pain. I don't think Amber knows how scared I was. I was 19, alone, and I had no help. I was as scared as any person could get, but I somehow made it.

Ryan's IEP went well I guess. We have another one coming up in a few months. That is the one that really scares, because we will have to send Ryan to high school. The school system also says that he is not as retarded as then originally thought even if his score are very low. I just gave them the dear in the head lights look. I swear I should be allowed to smack those people.

On a good note Ryan principal walked up and handed me a piece of paper and told me to sign it. Now Ryans principal and I go way back, so I had to wonder what she was up to. I signed the paper and handed it back to her. The principal starting smiling and she got so excited. I finally asked what I just signed. She said "Special Olympics are coming to our area and you just signed Ryan up track and field!" I am so happy. Ryan was so thrilled, and he said that he is going to have to run the dogs more. I am just so happy that he finally found something that he likes doing.

I have been feeling bad the last few day's, so I have been spending my afternoons in la la land. I know that this will pass and soon I will be back to myself. I do not regret choosing not to have surgery. I do not regret the choice to heal my body with food and herbs. If I can keep all my body parts, and only be sick every once in a while, then I am going to do it.

I wrote a blog entry for reduce footprints, so if you want to go check it out, she is listed on my side bar. I announce in there that I have finally come up with a new challenge for myself. I heard a saying that said " If your grandmother would not recognize it, then you should not eat it." So this year I am giving up boxed cookies and cakes. I am going to get back to the basics and do more baking from scratch. The only scary thing is, I have never made a red velvet cake from scratch, so we will have to see how that turns out.

I learned a lot from my no spending diet, and it has changed me forever, so I will have to see how this whole baking from scratch thing goes. I know I will have to be more prepared and I will have to really make sure that we have staples at all times.

We the Chinese food I ate is not settling well, so I am going to go to bed. No sex tonight, but maybe my dog will let Rusty snuggle with me. Yes, my pit sleeps between us and is I am not feeling good he will not let anyone near me. Its like he knows something is wrong with me.

another day.

I have been busy trying to go through the house and do even more purging. The sad thing is there really is not alot left to purge. However I look around all the stuff we have and the thought of moving it just make me sick. I wish I could throw everything away and just take my pets.

We still have not heard weather or not the owner of our home is going to try to save it, so I need to assume that he silence is speaking volumes. Why us? We pay our rent, we don't complain about anything, and yet here we are again. One of my girlfriends said why can't this happen to the house full illegals? Good question.

I am still not stressed over the situation, I just don't want to move. I want to stay here and let Nikki finish out this year and next year. Once Nikki graduates high school I don't care if we move out of state or out of the country.

Tomorrow I have an IEP meeting. Oh the joy's. I don't know why I even go to these meetings. I fight so hard to do what is best for Ryan and the school just ignores his IEP and the teachers do whatever they want. If Rusty and I were rich then I would hire a lawyer and the school district to court, for breaking a contract. We don't have that kind of money and I think the district knows that, so that is why so many IEP's are not followed. Why is having a handi cap child so hard?

Rusty is working some long hours this week. I feel so bad for him. Rusty works so hard to provide for this family. We are still waiting to hear weather or not he got his job. On Sunday Rusty got a call saying that he needed to fill out more security paper work. I just can't believe how hard it is to get a top security clearance. It was not this hard when he was on active duty.

Well, I need to get moving. I do have the kitchen cleaned up and part of dinner is done, so at least that is something. OH and the sun is finally shining and I am thankful for that.

I am sitting in the house that love built.

Yep. That's him. That is my Rusty. Rusty is the man I was meant to marry and he is and always will be the love of my life.

Today was nothing special. Rusty and I went to the commissary. It is not something that Rusty enjoys, but he enjoys being with me. It was pointed out to me that Rusty and I are becoming that cute old couple that you always see.

Tonight Rusty grilled, and he made my favorite type of sausage. Then while I was finishing the mac n cheese he turned on the t.v. to the music station and they were playing some really good old school country.

I was just standing in the kitchen when a tear ran down my face. A song came on that reminded me of my dad. Who was there to catch that tear? Rusty just hugged me and he reminded me that he missed his dad as well. I guess that is something else we have in common. We both miss our dads.

Rusty is teaching Chris and his friends how to play poker. We have only been his parents for a little over a year, and here we are hanging out with his friends and teaching them how to play poker. One of Chris friends brought is guitar over he has been jamming out between hands.

Today we took my ever faithful Butter to petco and then to Starbucks. I am so amazed at how far he is coming. One day soon I will be able to go take the test to have him trained as a therapy dog. I am going to change peoples views of pit bulls.

If I could save time in a bottle I would save today. I am sitting in a house that was built on love, and that is filled with love and laughter.

a dog needs to run

Yesterday I actually got video of my bog,, Butter, sitting and the sofa and crying. He was sitting there looking out the window, and the wind was blowing his deflated basketball's around. This poor baby really needs to get out and run. He is getting cabin fever worse then any animal I know. Now don't get me wrong, he has been going out, but Ryan has not been able to run him.

Rusty is on his way home, and he said that everything went well with the top security stuff, so we find out one day next week if he gets the job. Oh pray that he does.

I want to strangle out Chrises recruiter. This guy made all the wanna be marines strip down to shorts and t shirts and go outside and pt for a few hours. Before Chris left I told him that if the weather was bad to just come home, but did he? NO. He said the recruiter told him that he had to stay. Well great. Now the boy is getting sick and he has no medical insurance. Am I allowed to smack the recruiter?

Last night I finished a quilt for one of the marines and I also got a baby blanket done. I do have to do the hand stitching on the baby blanket, but I am saving that so I can do it while I am watching tv. I only have one more quilt to get done before the marine deploys and then I will be all caught up. I started cutting material for another quilt in hopes that maybe I can get ahead of the game.

I am going to do as little as possible this weekend. We do have to go up to the commissary, but other then that I am going to do nothing. I was thinking that maybe if we got a break in the weather, that I might go down to the lake and pick up all the trash. I am sure the wind as deposited a lot of trash there. I would also like to maybe pull some big weeds that we have in the back yard. After all the ground is so we they should just come right up.

Well I better go fold all our laundry, and maybe curl up and just chill for a while. Since it is Friday, and I don't cook on Fridays, I am pretty much done for the day. No my family is not starving today, they can either heat up leftovers, or go buy something! LOL