Monday, November 30, 2009

I made it.

Thanksgiving was great! For the first time in a very long time everyone pitched in and it went very smoothly. Ii had a lot to be thankful for this year and as I sat down at the table and looked around I saw all of my blessings.
I kept my phone close to me and I was hoping that the marines would call. One called at midnight and it was so awesome to hear from at least one of them. I have heard through the grapevine that everyone is doing good and that is all that matters to me.
On black Friday I was suppose to go down and visit with that marine. I was so looking forward to a picnic on the beach, but she blew me off. That's o.k. I found other ways to occupy my time.
I had Chris drop off all the quilts I made for the seniors and they loved them. I told Chris that was not to give them my name, number or anything! He said they were shocked. I also had Chris pull a name off the tree for me.
Another marine and I hit a thrift store and we bought a few puzzles. I think we ended up doing five puzzles this weekend! It was nice to just relax and do something that I like to do.
One of our dear friends, Jim and Dolly, called Rusty and I and asked us to stop by on Sunday, so we did. I grabbed Chris and had him go with us. I wanted him to meet some real good people. Not to mention that Jim has a gun collection that most men would kill for!
We get over there and I head straight for Dolly who is in the process of decorating her tree. Dolly has knee surgery and it has made her knee worse, so I did all the bending for her. It was so nice to chat with a dear friend and to be able to help her all at the same time.
All of the guys talked about guns. That is all I really know. Dolly and I just rolled our eyes when they would talk about guns. Sometimes we just don't understand guys.
Chris said that he was glad that he went with us, and he said they were some of the nicest people he has ever met. That was my point. I like introducing Chris to people with high morals and integrity.
After that we went to the commissary, and that is always a load of fun. I did not do to bad, I had 20 dollars in coupons and only spent $260! Not bad for a family of 6, and that will last us about two weeks.
Last night I asked Chris for the name he pulled from the tree. I had to laugh and I told him that he pulled a good name. I got a lady by the name of Mary V, and she wanted hand lotion, a blanket, and a puppy calender. I had just bought a big thing of hand lotion, I have a Christmas quilt that is done! Now I just need to go buy here a puppy calender.
The children are waiting until this weekend to decorate. I do hope they have fun doing it. I may have to break down and help them, or I can remember that they are grown and can it themselves. We will see how it goes. I am however doing a deep clean on the living room so that way everything will at least be clean before the decorations go up.
OH! Dolly was showing me these ornaments that her daughters made, and they are so cute and so easy. So that got me to thinking, and I have come up with an idea for all the deployed boys. They are going to be so cute and I can't wait to got them done so I can show them off.
Well, life is calling me. I need to start the laundry, and start my day.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

moving on

Well here it is. Another day and another opportunity to change my life. It is up to me weather or not I make good changes or bad changes.

Yesterday I called my mom and we talked for a while. We talked about a lot of our issues. I still do not agree with my mother that she should be raising children again, but my mom said something that really struck a cord with me. She said "If you had died I would have raised your children, but you are lucky enough to have a man that loves your children and would take care of them, and I would not have to raise them."

Last night I was telling Rusty that I spoke with my mom, and reminded him of something that he had said to me. Rusty once said "if you die I would not let your mother take the girls from me. I would fight for them." Then I told him all about my mom's and mine conversation. A light bulb went on.

My children may have been the cast off. My children may not be the chosen children. However my children have something that the chosen child does not have. My children have two parents that are alive and love them more then anything. What price tag do you put on that?

I am still not in the mood to celebrate Thanksgiving, but in my true fashion I am going to put a spread on the table. I will sit next to my husband and I will listen to all the laughter. Life goes on.

One of the marines will not be coming to dinner. She is not in the mood, and I so understand that. So, On either Friday or Saturday I am going to drive down to the base and get her. Then I am going to surprise her with a picnic on the beach. I bought some sparkling cider, and I am going to take down some cheese and cracker's, and some grapes. I even going to take down wine glasses and china. We are going to sit on the beach and spend some time on our terms.

The marine does not know any of this, but I think it will be good for both of us. I need to stop sinking in self pity and go do something for someone else.

Life is good.

Monday, November 23, 2009

break down now?

Well, here it is two days before Thanksgiving, and all I want to do is cry.

I was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner, cleaning out the fridge, and listening to a cat scream, when it all hit me. Thanksgiving is in two days. I just grab a flat of eggs on put them on to boil.

I am standing there watching everything cook and I just could not figure out why I dread this Thanksgiving.

Could it be because I said I did not want to do it and yet here I am cooking a turkey, boiling eggs, and thinking that I still need to go to the store and buy stuff so Amber can make the pies.

Could it be because I have had problems in my personnel life. I laid my sister to rest. I watched mymother pull a 12 year old off her mothers coffin. Could it be that everything surrounding my sisters death has made mine and my mom relationship even harder?

Could it be that in one of fits of rage I threw my phone at Rusty and yelled "You are so lucky to have both of your parents dead and you have a brother that you have not seen 16 years". I know I hurt Rusty that day, and yet he just grabbed me and gave me a hug.

Could it be that most of my boys are fighting a war that I do not agree with. Could it be because one of the boys won't be bringing his baby to dinner. I guess that is a little hard for him considering he is in the middle east.

Could it be that I am looking at the cost of college going up? I can't believe how much I am going to be paying out right before Christmas. I swore that no matter what I would provide my children with a college education. I can hear rusty right now. He is my mind saying "you need to ask your mom for your inheritance". I will pay for my children's education even if it means me going back to work with a drug dealer. I just need to remember to not drink the coffee.

Could it be that I found out that a couple will be coming to dinner.... and I did not invite them, nor do I want them here. There is not much I can do about that now. But I would love to just lay into this couple and give them a good what for, but I don't think making a scene is the way to go either.

Lets just hope that I can remember all the things I have to be thankful for. Right now I do not see that happening.

I just want this whole holiday to go away. Why can't I just go sit on the beach and watch the sun go down? Maybe I would even roll a big fat one. To me that would be a perfect day.

Friday, November 20, 2009

My Eco Thanksgiving nightmare

I had said that I was not going to do the holidays this year. I am so not in the mood. Then I had a nightmare.
I dreamt that Rusty woke me up on Thanksgiving to ask me how to defrost a turkey. That is not to far from the truth, he would do that.
Amber has been breaking out some decorations in hopes that I will get in the mood. So last night I gave in. I told everyone that I would do the turkey but nothing else.
Turkey. Erma Bombeck was right we are the only country in the world that takes fresh bread, makes it stale and then stuffs into a dead bird.
Turkey. Can I get one with in a 100 miles? Well, yes I could. I could send hubby down to the beach to kill one. There are several flawes in this idea.
1. hubby said that once you hunt man, you can't go back to hunting animals.
2. hubby would have to walk on the sand, and he hates that.
3. the beach is on base and there is no hunting on base.
4. Even the of obstacles were not there, hubby would bring home a dead bloody animal and expect me to know what to do with it. Hello I am a city girl.
So I will be going to the store to buy the turkey. Last night I called everyone and told them what to bring. I am not seeing this as a very eco friendly holiday.
I will use organic cleaners to clean the beer pong table. I will use china and cloth napkins. I will not have to turn the heat on because my house will be hotter then... I could make the guys pee outside to save on water. I will be able to save on dog food because I am sure they will catch anything that might fall from the table.
O.K. so Norman Rockwell would not paint a picture of our Thanksgiving, but it will be ours. I will do my best to make sure everything gets recycled, no food will go to waste, and most of all I will be able to spend some time my family..... marines included.
Wasn't it Erma Bombeck who also wrote the book "Family: the ties that bind and gag"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

what about the new year?

Over the last few week's while my life was turning upside down, I really tried to focus on other things. One of the things that caught my eye was a show called the 100 mile challenge.

This show was on planet green and some people from a town in British Columbia could only eat food with in a 100 miles of their home, and they had to do this for 100 day's. Rusty and I talked about and we said that if we had to we could do. We are very blessed to live in southern California where we have a lot of food that is local.

So now I am looking forward to the new year and I am trying to think of another way to challenge myself. Could the 100 mile challenge really fly in this house? Well..... it could if I did it a little bit at a time. Rusty has to have his meat and he does not hunt any more, so I know our meat would not be local, but what about the rest of the meal? This is something I could do say once or twice a week and my husband would not complain.

So I thinking that once or twice a week I will do only local meals with the exception of our Meat. Now this also translate into one or two lunches a week that will fit into my 100 mile challenge.

As I sit here and look back over the last year I have reached my goals. I made all my blankets, and my no spending diet went great. I have learned a lot from both of the goals that I set for myself.

From the blankets I learned that I have to schedule in the time to make these works of art and I had to keep my eye on the goal. Twelve blankets for the shut in's. I can't wait to deliver all these quilts!

From the no spending diet I have learned just how much I can live without and how much I do have. I must say that I have gotten creative with some of my meals, and I have caught myself telling the girls to use what they have on hand. My mind has been stretched and wallet remained closed.

I am sure that at some point my children have learned something from watching me, and I hope they carry that with them.

Today I feel like crap. My ear is killing me. I know it is not infected, I know that it is just all this crazy weather we are having. As usual life and time march on even if I don't feel good. I did manage to get the house cleaned up, make dinner and tackle the pile of paper work that has been sitting on the desk.

I think the most important thing I did was chat with one of my boys. I always love hearing from them.

Well I hear the bed calling me, so I better get to it. Tomorrow is another day, and I am sure that it will be filled with all the usual and then some.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

all for the love of my boys

I am sure there is something I should be doing, but I think I have been silent enough.

In the past few weeks my world has been turned upside down. In the past two weeks I have shipped 7 boys off to war. A war that I do not agree with. A war that will forever change them. They may have left as men but I know they will come back as men. I know that my boy's are cold, missing their families and most of all a new reality is being forced upon them.

For me I am taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I am taking it one moment at a time. When I want to cry because I am missing my boys, I go cry on Rusty's shoulder, I remember the good times, and I tell myself that they are o.k. Even if I do not know if they are o.k.

Before Ben left we went over to see Deb and Popi. I know Ben. He was going to want to sit and speak Spanish, he was going to want that little comfort. We spent several hours with Deb and Popi, and before we left Deb and Popi wanted to pray over Ben. I told ben to call his mom and put it on speaker phone so his mom could hear us praying. Popi and Bens mom spoke for a while. I have no idea what was said because I do not speak Spanish. Then Popi prayed in Spanish, and when he was done Bens mom prayed over him. I did not understand what was being said, but I know that I felt the holy spirit move. Then Bens mom started crying. I said that I did not mean for her to cry. I just wanted Bens mom to be apart this. Deb assured me that she was crying happy tears. This lady was just so thankful that people were praying over her son.

Rusty and I had an anniversary. We went to the Birch aquarium, and then out to lunch. I gave Rusty a bottle gentlemen Jack and one of the kittens. Rusty does not know why, but he fell in love with this all black long haired kitten, so I am letting him keep him.

The kitten is in getting fixed today, and Rusty's day is crazy so I am going to go down to base pick up this kitten. I told Rusty that I would go in the morning, but he really wants his cat home tonight. Is Rusty a grown man or a child?

I had to go back to Ryan's school and raise some hell today. I swear that Ryans teacher is brain dead.

At Christmas we always let the children pick out their own ornaments. Every year since the children were born they had gotten a new ornament, and we now have to many to hang on one tree, so they have to choose. However that would leave Chris out of the loop. So while we at the aquarium I saw the huge glass sea horse ornament. It was perfect. Chris is a beach and ocean person just like me.

When we got home I pulled Chris aside and told him that I did not want him to feel left out, so..... and I handed him the ordnament. He about cried.

Well I need to get on the road. Rusty's kitten is waiting on me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

my mind is full

My mind is full of choices. I have to choose my direction very carefully.
All of my boys have a ship date. Yep, here I go again sending. I am sending boys off so they can come back as warped men.
When my phone rings I look to see who it is. If it is one of the boys I so don't want to answer it because I know what they are going to tell me. I answer the phone and I stay cheerful. I ask all of them "Do you have your will's done? Do you have all of your allotments done? Do you have any loose ends that need to be tied up, do you have all your cold weather gear?" Then I tell them that I will be there to see them before they get on the bus.
What I want to do is to answer the phone crying. I want to beg them not to go. I would be a basket case. I can't do that. I have to stay strong for them. I know they are scared. I know that they don't want to leave.
I also know of a person who is hiding from her comment. Yep, she joined the service and is now in desertion status because she does not want to deploy for a year. I get it. I would not want to deploy for a year either, but I did not sign on the dotted line in a time of war. Do I turn her in or do I do nothing? I have been trying to stay focused on what is at hand. What is at hand right now is seeing my boys off.
I could talk to Rusty about all of this, but I am not sure how far that would get me. Rusty say's stuff like "they are marines and marines go to war." Yes they do and I still think it sucks. I am not sure what Rusty would say if he knew about the chick that is running from her obligations.
One of the marines that is not deploying until the spring asked me if I would be interested in working with habitat for humanity. I just kinda smiled. That was on my bucket list. Yes I would like to do that. I don't have a lot of skills, but I am willing to learn and I am willing to help. So, he is going to get all the info and we are going to go volunteer with habitat for humanity. I figure that will keep my mind off everything going on here, and I will be giving back.
Rusty and I are suppose to go another ball. To tell you truth I so do not want to go. I am really not in the mood to celebrate anything. Part of thinks that is wrong, but the other part of me does not care. However since Rusty asked me to go order the cake, and do a few other things, I will do it for Rusty. Oh the things I do for the love of that man.
With everything that is going on in my life Rusty also tells me that we might have a trip to Yuma. Normally I love going places with Rusty and I know that it helps him out, but I don't want to miss seeing the boys off.
Oh my brain hurts. I need to make a list of everything that I need to get done. I need to start living, and not focusing on my boys leaving.
Luise: you asked about the black cats. My friend who is from the UK told me that over there black cats are considered lucky. Over here people use them as sacrifices, especially around Halloween. It make no sense to me. I love black cats.

About Me

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lake elsinore, ca
I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!