Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Yesterday I called my mom and we talked for a while. We talked about a lot of our issues. I still do not agree with my mother that she should be raising children again, but my mom said something that really struck a cord with me. She said "If you had died I would have raised your children, but you are lucky enough to have a man that loves your children and would take care of them, and I would not have to raise them."
Last night I was telling Rusty that I spoke with my mom, and reminded him of something that he had said to me. Rusty once said "if you die I would not let your mother take the girls from me. I would fight for them." Then I told him all about my mom's and mine conversation. A light bulb went on.
My children may have been the cast off. My children may not be the chosen children. However my children have something that the chosen child does not have. My children have two parents that are alive and love them more then anything. What price tag do you put on that?
I am still not in the mood to celebrate Thanksgiving, but in my true fashion I am going to put a spread on the table. I will sit next to my husband and I will listen to all the laughter. Life goes on.
One of the marines will not be coming to dinner. She is not in the mood, and I so understand that. So, On either Friday or Saturday I am going to drive down to the base and get her. Then I am going to surprise her with a picnic on the beach. I bought some sparkling cider, and I am going to take down some cheese and cracker's, and some grapes. I even going to take down wine glasses and china. We are going to sit on the beach and spend some time on our terms.
The marine does not know any of this, but I think it will be good for both of us. I need to stop sinking in self pity and go do something for someone else.
Life is good.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner, cleaning out the fridge, and listening to a cat scream, when it all hit me. Thanksgiving is in two days. I just grab a flat of eggs on put them on to boil.
I am standing there watching everything cook and I just could not figure out why I dread this Thanksgiving.
Could it be because I said I did not want to do it and yet here I am cooking a turkey, boiling eggs, and thinking that I still need to go to the store and buy stuff so Amber can make the pies.
Could it be because I have had problems in my personnel life. I laid my sister to rest. I watched mymother pull a 12 year old off her mothers coffin. Could it be that everything surrounding my sisters death has made mine and my mom relationship even harder?
Could it be that in one of fits of rage I threw my phone at Rusty and yelled "You are so lucky to have both of your parents dead and you have a brother that you have not seen 16 years". I know I hurt Rusty that day, and yet he just grabbed me and gave me a hug.
Could it be that most of my boys are fighting a war that I do not agree with. Could it be because one of the boys won't be bringing his baby to dinner. I guess that is a little hard for him considering he is in the middle east.
Could it be that I am looking at the cost of college going up? I can't believe how much I am going to be paying out right before Christmas. I swore that no matter what I would provide my children with a college education. I can hear rusty right now. He is my mind saying "you need to ask your mom for your inheritance". I will pay for my children's education even if it means me going back to work with a drug dealer. I just need to remember to not drink the coffee.
Could it be that I found out that a couple will be coming to dinner.... and I did not invite them, nor do I want them here. There is not much I can do about that now. But I would love to just lay into this couple and give them a good what for, but I don't think making a scene is the way to go either.
Lets just hope that I can remember all the things I have to be thankful for. Right now I do not see that happening.
I just want this whole holiday to go away. Why can't I just go sit on the beach and watch the sun go down? Maybe I would even roll a big fat one. To me that would be a perfect day.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Over the last few week's while my life was turning upside down, I really tried to focus on other things. One of the things that caught my eye was a show called the 100 mile challenge.
This show was on planet green and some people from a town in British Columbia could only eat food with in a 100 miles of their home, and they had to do this for 100 day's. Rusty and I talked about and we said that if we had to we could do. We are very blessed to live in southern California where we have a lot of food that is local.
So now I am looking forward to the new year and I am trying to think of another way to challenge myself. Could the 100 mile challenge really fly in this house? Well..... it could if I did it a little bit at a time. Rusty has to have his meat and he does not hunt any more, so I know our meat would not be local, but what about the rest of the meal? This is something I could do say once or twice a week and my husband would not complain.
So I thinking that once or twice a week I will do only local meals with the exception of our Meat. Now this also translate into one or two lunches a week that will fit into my 100 mile challenge.
As I sit here and look back over the last year I have reached my goals. I made all my blankets, and my no spending diet went great. I have learned a lot from both of the goals that I set for myself.
From the blankets I learned that I have to schedule in the time to make these works of art and I had to keep my eye on the goal. Twelve blankets for the shut in's. I can't wait to deliver all these quilts!
From the no spending diet I have learned just how much I can live without and how much I do have. I must say that I have gotten creative with some of my meals, and I have caught myself telling the girls to use what they have on hand. My mind has been stretched and wallet remained closed.
I am sure that at some point my children have learned something from watching me, and I hope they carry that with them.
Today I feel like crap. My ear is killing me. I know it is not infected, I know that it is just all this crazy weather we are having. As usual life and time march on even if I don't feel good. I did manage to get the house cleaned up, make dinner and tackle the pile of paper work that has been sitting on the desk.
I think the most important thing I did was chat with one of my boys. I always love hearing from them.
Well I hear the bed calling me, so I better get to it. Tomorrow is another day, and I am sure that it will be filled with all the usual and then some.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
In the past few weeks my world has been turned upside down. In the past two weeks I have shipped 7 boys off to war. A war that I do not agree with. A war that will forever change them. They may have left as men but I know they will come back as men. I know that my boy's are cold, missing their families and most of all a new reality is being forced upon them.
For me I am taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I am taking it one moment at a time. When I want to cry because I am missing my boys, I go cry on Rusty's shoulder, I remember the good times, and I tell myself that they are o.k. Even if I do not know if they are o.k.
Before Ben left we went over to see Deb and Popi. I know Ben. He was going to want to sit and speak Spanish, he was going to want that little comfort. We spent several hours with Deb and Popi, and before we left Deb and Popi wanted to pray over Ben. I told ben to call his mom and put it on speaker phone so his mom could hear us praying. Popi and Bens mom spoke for a while. I have no idea what was said because I do not speak Spanish. Then Popi prayed in Spanish, and when he was done Bens mom prayed over him. I did not understand what was being said, but I know that I felt the holy spirit move. Then Bens mom started crying. I said that I did not mean for her to cry. I just wanted Bens mom to be apart this. Deb assured me that she was crying happy tears. This lady was just so thankful that people were praying over her son.
Rusty and I had an anniversary. We went to the Birch aquarium, and then out to lunch. I gave Rusty a bottle gentlemen Jack and one of the kittens. Rusty does not know why, but he fell in love with this all black long haired kitten, so I am letting him keep him.
The kitten is in getting fixed today, and Rusty's day is crazy so I am going to go down to base pick up this kitten. I told Rusty that I would go in the morning, but he really wants his cat home tonight. Is Rusty a grown man or a child?
I had to go back to Ryan's school and raise some hell today. I swear that Ryans teacher is brain dead.
At Christmas we always let the children pick out their own ornaments. Every year since the children were born they had gotten a new ornament, and we now have to many to hang on one tree, so they have to choose. However that would leave Chris out of the loop. So while we at the aquarium I saw the huge glass sea horse ornament. It was perfect. Chris is a beach and ocean person just like me.
When we got home I pulled Chris aside and told him that I did not want him to feel left out, so..... and I handed him the ordnament. He about cried.
Well I need to get on the road. Rusty's kitten is waiting on me.