Monday, November 23, 2009

break down now?

Well, here it is two days before Thanksgiving, and all I want to do is cry.

I was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner, cleaning out the fridge, and listening to a cat scream, when it all hit me. Thanksgiving is in two days. I just grab a flat of eggs on put them on to boil.

I am standing there watching everything cook and I just could not figure out why I dread this Thanksgiving.

Could it be because I said I did not want to do it and yet here I am cooking a turkey, boiling eggs, and thinking that I still need to go to the store and buy stuff so Amber can make the pies.

Could it be because I have had problems in my personnel life. I laid my sister to rest. I watched mymother pull a 12 year old off her mothers coffin. Could it be that everything surrounding my sisters death has made mine and my mom relationship even harder?

Could it be that in one of fits of rage I threw my phone at Rusty and yelled "You are so lucky to have both of your parents dead and you have a brother that you have not seen 16 years". I know I hurt Rusty that day, and yet he just grabbed me and gave me a hug.

Could it be that most of my boys are fighting a war that I do not agree with. Could it be because one of the boys won't be bringing his baby to dinner. I guess that is a little hard for him considering he is in the middle east.

Could it be that I am looking at the cost of college going up? I can't believe how much I am going to be paying out right before Christmas. I swore that no matter what I would provide my children with a college education. I can hear rusty right now. He is my mind saying "you need to ask your mom for your inheritance". I will pay for my children's education even if it means me going back to work with a drug dealer. I just need to remember to not drink the coffee.

Could it be that I found out that a couple will be coming to dinner.... and I did not invite them, nor do I want them here. There is not much I can do about that now. But I would love to just lay into this couple and give them a good what for, but I don't think making a scene is the way to go either.

Lets just hope that I can remember all the things I have to be thankful for. Right now I do not see that happening.

I just want this whole holiday to go away. Why can't I just go sit on the beach and watch the sun go down? Maybe I would even roll a big fat one. To me that would be a perfect day.


That corgi :) said...

((((Kelli)))) (Mr. Cadillac wants to come with you if you decide to go to the beach)

All kidding aside, I'm sooooo sorry! It has been a tough year for you! I think the first holidays after a loved one is gone is hard

you have lots on your plate right now; I'm sorry the couple you don't want at dinner will be there; that will be hard to be gracious to them

hugs to you!


Lori said...

Well, try to resist the urge to roll a big fat one, okay? You have had a lot going on in the past year and maybe you haven't really given yourself time to process everything. Anyway, I hope the next few days aren't as hard on you as it seems like they'll be right now.

Barbara said...

((((Kelli))) I hope things go better than you feel they will right now. Holidays can really be hard sometimes.

Paula said...

Wanna go to the beach with an old lady? Feel better soon. At least your daughter can make the pies for you. Thats nice.

LYN said...


Anonymous said...

I am finding it difficult to be thankful as well, but I created the difficulty, you did not. I am sorry you had such a trying year & I know the love of your husband & children will help pull you through. ~Mary

Small Footprints said...

I recently read a fabulous definition of "celebration". The definition called it a "joyous diversion". It's a small thing, but it's made me see holidays in a different way. When one isn't feeling too thankful for the condition of their life, perhaps seeing a holiday as a diversion ... a time to forget all the troubles ... will get us through.

Take care, Kelli!

Small Footprints

dragonflydreamer said...

I am sorry that you are going through so much. Grief can knock the wind out of us in the best of times. I really believe that you should cry or express your emotions whatever they are rather than turning it inward. The beach is a place that has always felt healing to me. I wish you inner peace and healing.

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