Well, here it is two days before Thanksgiving, and all I want to do is cry.
I was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner, cleaning out the fridge, and listening to a cat scream, when it all hit me. Thanksgiving is in two days. I just grab a flat of eggs on put them on to boil.
I am standing there watching everything cook and I just could not figure out why I dread this Thanksgiving.
Could it be because I said I did not want to do it and yet here I am cooking a turkey, boiling eggs, and thinking that I still need to go to the store and buy stuff so Amber can make the pies.
Could it be because I have had problems in my personnel life. I laid my sister to rest. I watched mymother pull a 12 year old off her mothers coffin. Could it be that everything surrounding my sisters death has made mine and my mom relationship even harder?
Could it be that in one of fits of rage I threw my phone at Rusty and yelled "You are so lucky to have both of your parents dead and you have a brother that you have not seen 16 years". I know I hurt Rusty that day, and yet he just grabbed me and gave me a hug.
Could it be that most of my boys are fighting a war that I do not agree with. Could it be because one of the boys won't be bringing his baby to dinner. I guess that is a little hard for him considering he is in the middle east.
Could it be that I am looking at the cost of college going up? I can't believe how much I am going to be paying out right before Christmas. I swore that no matter what I would provide my children with a college education. I can hear rusty right now. He is my mind saying "you need to ask your mom for your inheritance". I will pay for my children's education even if it means me going back to work with a drug dealer. I just need to remember to not drink the coffee.
Could it be that I found out that a couple will be coming to dinner.... and I did not invite them, nor do I want them here. There is not much I can do about that now. But I would love to just lay into this couple and give them a good what for, but I don't think making a scene is the way to go either.
Lets just hope that I can remember all the things I have to be thankful for. Right now I do not see that happening.
I just want this whole holiday to go away. Why can't I just go sit on the beach and watch the sun go down? Maybe I would even roll a big fat one. To me that would be a perfect day.