my mind is full

My mind is full of choices. I have to choose my direction very carefully.

All of my boys have a ship date. Yep, here I go again sending. I am sending boys off so they can come back as warped men.

When my phone rings I look to see who it is. If it is one of the boys I so don't want to answer it because I know what they are going to tell me. I answer the phone and I stay cheerful. I ask all of them "Do you have your will's done? Do you have all of your allotments done? Do you have any loose ends that need to be tied up, do you have all your cold weather gear?" Then I tell them that I will be there to see them before they get on the bus.

What I want to do is to answer the phone crying. I want to beg them not to go. I would be a basket case. I can't do that. I have to stay strong for them. I know they are scared. I know that they don't want to leave.

I also know of a person who is hiding from her comment. Yep, she joined the service and is now in desertion status because she does not want to deploy for a year. I get it. I would not want to deploy for a year either, but I did not sign on the dotted line in a time of war. Do I turn her in or do I do nothing? I have been trying to stay focused on what is at hand. What is at hand right now is seeing my boys off.

I could talk to Rusty about all of this, but I am not sure how far that would get me. Rusty say's stuff like "they are marines and marines go to war." Yes they do and I still think it sucks. I am not sure what Rusty would say if he knew about the chick that is running from her obligations.

One of the marines that is not deploying until the spring asked me if I would be interested in working with habitat for humanity. I just kinda smiled. That was on my bucket list. Yes I would like to do that. I don't have a lot of skills, but I am willing to learn and I am willing to help. So, he is going to get all the info and we are going to go volunteer with habitat for humanity. I figure that will keep my mind off everything going on here, and I will be giving back.

Rusty and I are suppose to go another ball. To tell you truth I so do not want to go. I am really not in the mood to celebrate anything. Part of thinks that is wrong, but the other part of me does not care. However since Rusty asked me to go order the cake, and do a few other things, I will do it for Rusty. Oh the things I do for the love of that man.

With everything that is going on in my life Rusty also tells me that we might have a trip to Yuma. Normally I love going places with Rusty and I know that it helps him out, but I don't want to miss seeing the boys off.

Oh my brain hurts. I need to make a list of everything that I need to get done. I need to start living, and not focusing on my boys leaving.

Luise: you asked about the black cats. My friend who is from the UK told me that over there black cats are considered lucky. Over here people use them as sacrifices, especially around Halloween. It make no sense to me. I love black cats.