Tuesday, December 15, 2009

mixed emotions

Over the past weeks this war has really hit me hard. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the war. Instead I try to stay busy. I do superficial things, like send Christmas cards to the boys, clean the house, talk to the boys mom's, and sometimes just wish they they were here. For the most part my day's march on.
So why then am I know questioning everything about the war? A few weeks ago I found out that a dear friends son was injured in Afghanistan. My heart broke and I just had to pick up the phone and call. We talked and we cried. I got a quilt for the wounded warriors and had it sent out. It was a small token of love and a small way to say thank you. Today this dear friend wrote on my facebook wall telling me that her son is home and doing as well as can be expected. I had joyful tears come to my eye's.
Then the other night hubby and I were sitting on the front porch and he said "I miss the boys." I just smiled and said that I missed them as well. That was when my husband confessed that he wishes he was over there with the boy's. He wants to go back to war. He wants to be the one leading the boys into battle.
While I cannot judge my husband and while I cannot ever know know what it is like to go into battle, I do have to wonder. I wonder if I will ever not be his mistress. For years I have been placed behind the marine corps and I foolishly thought that once he retired I would not longer be the mistress.
I don't understand. All I do know is that I am glad he is retired and that I will no longer have to pack him off to war. I am glad that he will be able to spend all the holidays with us. Most of all I am glad that my husband trust me enough to confide his secrets to me. The secret is he wants to go back.
Another girlfriend sent me a link to a homecoming that one of our service received, but it was not the homecoming the family wanted. Instead everyone got to watch the flag draped coffin roll past. He got a hero's welcome, its just a shame that he had to die to get it.
Yesterday Nikki yelled "mom check your facebook." There is was in black and white. A dear friend was hurting because she just found out that one of her friends was killed. I picked up the phone and called her. The whole time I was praying "Lord please give me the words". They never came. I told her that I was willing to pack up my porch swing and fly to her so we could sit on the swing and have a good cry. She laughed and said she would like that, but that it was to cold to do that.
How can I have so many emotions? On one hand I so happy that my girlfriend son is home, and on the other hand I am so sorry that my friends are hurting because they lost a friend.
However everyone that knows me knows that I don't let things keep me down, so I have been thinking about I can better serve our military. I know, I know. I already quilt for them, I feed them, I have their families stay here when they are in town..... I know, but there has to be something more I could be doing. My brain is going a million miles a minute trying to figure it out. I know people with the rough riders. Maybe I should start riding with them. Maybe I should......
On another note, I think I am fighting off a cold. I just have no energy and I ache all over. I do not have time to be sick.
I have a big over stuffed chair that sits next to the computer desk, and I just looked over to see my big pit laying there asleep. I have been thinking about training him to be a therapy dog. I really need to get off my bum and do it. I want to do it to prove that not all pit's are mean, and to prove to myself that I can do it. Hubby says his best trick is where's momma. if you ask you he will take you to me.
Well everyone is home, and I should go make sure that everyone eats.


Paula said...

Kelli when I read your blog it always makes my head swim with all you are doing or thinking of doing.

moshell's lilbit of space said...

Thinking of you Kelli....and praying.

That corgi :) said...

I know you will think of something (more) to help the troops and your boys, Kellie; I know it wll be awesome too when it comes to your mind; some great ministry to help them or their families

you are such a caring person for them; that is your "passion" and where your heart is, so I know you will pour out all you can

(I will have to get back to you about a time for coffee, I have such a crazy schedule I can't imagine when we can do it)


Gerry said...

Maybe your husband's feelings about going back to active duty are protective in nature, but it sounds as though he has done his share and is also helping you to do a lot for the boys before they are deployed. I always feel sad about the war when I read your blog. Because it causes real wounds and sometimes death. And years of pain to all of those who are involved.

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I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!