When Rusty is gone I often have time to think, and that could be the wrong thing to do.
I am thinking that Rusty, Jake and Sonja need to back off and leave me alone when it comes to my money. Why do they want me to get this money? Sure I would be able to buy anything that I want, but I am not sure I want that. I may be a lot of things, and I have even been accused of being a bitch, but I will not contest a will, just to get money. I am sure karma will come back and bite my mom in the ass, and the money will come when I really need it.
I am thinking that I no longer turn Rusty on. Just the other night I asked Rusty if the doctor switched his blood pressure med. The answer was no. Then what is it? There was a time when we fucked like jack rabbit, and then we would finish it all of by making love. Now we don't even touch. I can't even tell you last time he held my hand. I am wondering if it is me. Sure I have put on a few pounds this year. I am going to drop the weight. It won't take me long, I just need to get off my bum and do it. Is Rusty not attracted to me for another reason? No, he does not have anyone on the side, I just wonder.
I wonder if I will ever stop hitting the reject button when my mom calls. I have just decided that it is easier to just not speak to her, but will that anger and hurt ever go away? I wonder if my mom will ever treat me like a child that she wanted, instead of the bastard child.
I wonder if I will ever be able to see Kenny Rogers in concert. I was disappointed the night that we could not get tickets. Then I would have to wonder if I would be able to sit there knowing that my dad was not next me.
I wonder if I will ever stop being angry at my dad for dieing. Did he not know how much I still needed him? Did he not realize that he was my rock. I still pick up the phone and start to call him.... then I remember that he is dead.
I wonder if I should go up to the big cat rescue and start working with them. Should I start to chase that dream? I wonder if now is the right time, lets face it, Ryan is the only one who needs me, but I don't think he would notice if I was gone. I wonder if now is the time to start?
I wonder if sometimes if I realize just how good I have it. I do have a husband that loves me and lets me do whatever I want whenever I want. I have safe full of jewels that most women would kill for. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I wonder......
There is no more time to wonder. I had to take the kittens to the vet because they took a turn for the worse, so they are needing my attention. I need to call Rusty and tell him goodnight. I still need to get the dishes done, set the coffee pot, and sweep and mop the floor. I wonder I will ever be able to afford a maid.