Tuesday, July 14, 2009

when Rusty is gone......

When Rusty is gone I often have time to think, and that could be the wrong thing to do.
I am thinking that Rusty, Jake and Sonja need to back off and leave me alone when it comes to my money. Why do they want me to get this money? Sure I would be able to buy anything that I want, but I am not sure I want that. I may be a lot of things, and I have even been accused of being a bitch, but I will not contest a will, just to get money. I am sure karma will come back and bite my mom in the ass, and the money will come when I really need it.
I am thinking that I no longer turn Rusty on. Just the other night I asked Rusty if the doctor switched his blood pressure med. The answer was no. Then what is it? There was a time when we fucked like jack rabbit, and then we would finish it all of by making love. Now we don't even touch. I can't even tell you last time he held my hand. I am wondering if it is me. Sure I have put on a few pounds this year. I am going to drop the weight. It won't take me long, I just need to get off my bum and do it. Is Rusty not attracted to me for another reason? No, he does not have anyone on the side, I just wonder.
I wonder if I will ever stop hitting the reject button when my mom calls. I have just decided that it is easier to just not speak to her, but will that anger and hurt ever go away? I wonder if my mom will ever treat me like a child that she wanted, instead of the bastard child.
I wonder if I will ever be able to see Kenny Rogers in concert. I was disappointed the night that we could not get tickets. Then I would have to wonder if I would be able to sit there knowing that my dad was not next me.
I wonder if I will ever stop being angry at my dad for dieing. Did he not know how much I still needed him? Did he not realize that he was my rock. I still pick up the phone and start to call him.... then I remember that he is dead.
I wonder if I should go up to the big cat rescue and start working with them. Should I start to chase that dream? I wonder if now is the right time, lets face it, Ryan is the only one who needs me, but I don't think he would notice if I was gone. I wonder if now is the time to start?
I wonder if sometimes if I realize just how good I have it. I do have a husband that loves me and lets me do whatever I want whenever I want. I have safe full of jewels that most women would kill for. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I wonder......
There is no more time to wonder. I had to take the kittens to the vet because they took a turn for the worse, so they are needing my attention. I need to call Rusty and tell him goodnight. I still need to get the dishes done, set the coffee pot, and sweep and mop the floor. I wonder I will ever be able to afford a maid.


a corgi said...

(((Kelli))); its stress with Rusty; I think there is so much going on with the economy and stuff that loving has gone by the way side

hoping the kitties are doing better

I hope you can forgive your mom some time down the road; it is hard to be a child of a dysfunctional parent


LYN said...




LIZ said...

As we we are always thinking...once for ourselves and twice for everyone else. Dont let your imagination get the best of you when if comes to Rusty. Im sure there is a reason and its NOT another woman. You need to take time for yourself and start living some of your dreams!!!! Its ok for you to have a life too!!!

Melissa said...

i think it should be up to u what u do

Nelishia said...

My husband has high BP too and used to 'accomodate' in other ways. I've been an involuntary virgin for more than a year. I stopped mentioning it because it makes him mad. I do grieve the loss of that side of our relationship. So I do relate very well.

I think when I think too much there starts the trouble.

We have to stop letting our Mom's push us into those feelings. Rejecting the rejection is easier to say than do as I still have the battle too.

And I believe you are doing the right thing about the money because you do reap what you sow and in this case there'll be interest on the dollar.

I know you realize how good you have it but you are entitled to feel the way you feel without judgement or critique.

It's VERY hard to be stuck at home with a child NO ONE wants to watch because of problems too. I know that one very well myself. (Reason for my burnout yesterday.)


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I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!