Wednesday, January 14, 2009

did I forget something?

O.K. My mom is still in shock. She has not even called any of the family, so I told her that I would.
I swear on all that is holy I have the most dysfunctional family there is! No one will even return my phone call. The one person that I really need to get a hold of keeps having his son tell me that he is busy. If my cousin does not call me back soon I am going to just leave a voicemail that says "YOUR COUSIN IS DEAD!"
I have my suitcase packed. My black suit is in it. My train case is packed. I have made some arrangements to have meals brought in. Rusty is coming home from his trip early. Oh and I leave tomorrow.
Rusty said that he is proud of me for going back there. I always said that I would not pee on my sister if she was on fire, but she is still my sister, and my mom needs me.
I have no idea where I am going to sleep. My dad died in my old bedroom, so I won't be sleeping there. I can't sleep in my sisters old room. That is just creepy. I guess I get the sofa.
A dear friend stopped by and she offered to bring dinner over tomorrow night. It was nice to sit on the swing and hold the hand of a girlfriend.
Earlier today I was just walking around lost. So I decided to go straighten my hair. I was almost done pulling the last curl out of my long black hair when I was visited my my Native American grandmother. She was right there in the mirror looking back at me. She even had on her traditional dress. I grabbed some make up and attempted to put it on. That is when my cheek bones got so high that they were damn near touching my eye's. I do not look Native American. My mom and my oldest daughter look Native American, I look Irish.
At the same time this was going on Raven was leaving me a comment. Raven is also Native American.
I felt so alone. Rusty is not here. I am trying to be strong for my children and what I really needed was for someone to be here with me. I am not alone. My family has come to visit me today.
Tomorrow I will go back to Chicago and face my own demons. My life will change forever. I will have to be strong for my mom and I will have to bite my tongue around the rest of my family.
I can do this.


Gerry said...

Oh, I know you really need people with you because this is a tremendous shock, sudden death of someone close, how much greater shock can that be. I am not surprised that you saw an image of your ancestor in the mirror. The spirits will gather around. They will know to try to make themselves felt until other friends hear and are ready to give you support. I have four younger sisters. I know how I would feel if anyone of the 3 still living ones died. A friend of mine was closer to her sisters and one of them went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled and went back to work as a waitress. A blood clot broke off and went to her heart and killed her in her forties. I will never forget what a horrible shock this was for her. She said it was harder than knowing another sister had terminal cancer and was going to die. When they told her she was gone, she said where to, she thought they meant she went on a trip or something. This was so out of the blue for you, but if you do what you feel you need to do I know that you will find your way through this and that you will find the strength because you are a strong woman. Gerry

Melissa said...

stay strong

Paula said...

I'll be thinking of you Kelli.

Chrissie said...

Yes you can do it Kelli. I know you can. I can't believe that no one in the family will call back or take the call. So glad you had a friend with you today. Whether you were close to your sister or not.. she was still your sister and like you said you will be there.
Take care and have a safe trip.

a corgi said...

I am so thankful that God put it upon that friend to visit you and to hold your hand when you needed some comfort! I know you are on your way by now or not checking your email, but I think that is just awesome what the Lord did with that friend; I have more to say about that and will, when we get together for coffee, when you get back and settled back in and I hope I can hold your hand too as you share some memories about your family, your sister, etc.

hugs to you Kelli!! you are brave; just remember God is with you!


Trees said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your sister, no matter how we get along with them or how many years pass without seeing them it is always a terrible shock when something like this happens. I have not seen a couple of my sisters for many years, one needed help this past year and my brother called me to go help her. She walked away 16 years ago, but she is still family so I went to help, have not heard from her since. May God bless you as you go home and give you strength for the days ahead.

Rose said...

I bet you will be surprised by your own strengh

Traci said...

Blessings to you, Kelli as you go through this time. You are one of the strongest women I know. Your Grandmother joined you to show you that you can get through this and she is with you.

Jeanie said...

I know you will be strong because I can read strength and determination in your words.
I am sorry for your loss and for the reactions from your family members. At least you are organised and coping for now.
Safe journey to you and my prayers will be with you too.
God bless

moshell's lilbit of space said...

Thinking of you and yours Kelli.

Nelishia said...

She came and brought you her strength didn't she? I know you are stronger than you think. It is an awful situation. My heart goes out to you.

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I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!