O.K. My mom is still in shock. She has not even called any of the family, so I told her that I would.
I swear on all that is holy I have the most dysfunctional family there is! No one will even return my phone call. The one person that I really need to get a hold of keeps having his son tell me that he is busy. If my cousin does not call me back soon I am going to just leave a voicemail that says "YOUR COUSIN IS DEAD!"
I have my suitcase packed. My black suit is in it. My train case is packed. I have made some arrangements to have meals brought in. Rusty is coming home from his trip early. Oh and I leave tomorrow.
Rusty said that he is proud of me for going back there. I always said that I would not pee on my sister if she was on fire, but she is still my sister, and my mom needs me.
I have no idea where I am going to sleep. My dad died in my old bedroom, so I won't be sleeping there. I can't sleep in my sisters old room. That is just creepy. I guess I get the sofa.
A dear friend stopped by and she offered to bring dinner over tomorrow night. It was nice to sit on the swing and hold the hand of a girlfriend.
Earlier today I was just walking around lost. So I decided to go straighten my hair. I was almost done pulling the last curl out of my long black hair when I was visited my my Native American grandmother. She was right there in the mirror looking back at me. She even had on her traditional dress. I grabbed some make up and attempted to put it on. That is when my cheek bones got so high that they were damn near touching my eye's. I do not look Native American. My mom and my oldest daughter look Native American, I look Irish.
At the same time this was going on Raven was leaving me a comment. Raven is also Native American.
I felt so alone. Rusty is not here. I am trying to be strong for my children and what I really needed was for someone to be here with me. I am not alone. My family has come to visit me today.
Tomorrow I will go back to Chicago and face my own demons. My life will change forever. I will have to be strong for my mom and I will have to bite my tongue around the rest of my family.
I can do this.