I am so not look forward to this day. Today I have to lay my sister to rest. I have to watch my niece fall apart. I know I can do this, but man I sure don't want to.
Yesterday i helped my mom look through boxes and boxes of pictures so that she could make a photo display of my sister. My niece held up a picture and said "Who is this?" My mom just grinned and said "that is my mom". Mt niece looked at the picture a little long and finally said "She does not look like and alcoholic". So mom said "Well what does an alcoholic look like?" My niece said "dead".
My niece keeps saying that alcohol killed her mom and for the most part she is write. I just hope that she will learn from this and never touch the stuff.
I tried on my suit yesterday and it was a perfect fit. Actually it was a little on the tight side. I just hope that I did not gain any weight between yesterday and today. I guess that answers the question of what to do with all of my suits. I am going to donate them. No sense in keeping stuff that does not fit.
I miss Rusty so much and I so wish he was here for me. I just don't know if I can do this. I just don't know if I can be strong enough to hold it all together for my mom and niece. I just don't know.
I am dealing with more then the loss of a sister, I am dealing with a lot of demons at the same time. I came home when my dad was in his final day's, but he died something like 4 day's after I went back to California. Everyone conversation my mom has with people has the phrase, yes Kelli is here.
I never did come back here when my dad died, and now I have to face the fact that I will see people who probably think I am a heal for not coming back to help my family lay my dad to rest. I know I ran from this place and I know that I have great life now, but as much as I act cold and heartless, I am not.
I am also facing the fact that I think my children are going to loose their grandmother. If my mom get custody of my niece then all the visits by my mother will come to a screeching halt. it sounds easy to say "well just send the children for a visit." but it is not that easy. The girls have job's, and they both want to spend time with my mom, but they do not want to share that time with my niece. I can't say that I blame them.
Today I am going to not only lay my sister to rest, but I am also laying to rest the idea that my mom might actually become an active part of my children's life. I have set my mind to the fact that once I leave Chicago I will be leaving my mom. I can feel my self detaching from this whole situation. It is not good, but I can't stop it. I need to show some emotion, other then a stone cold face, but for whatever reason I can't.
I should go do my hair and start getting ready today. There is only one bathroom here, so it is going to be a hectic morning.
****side note**** go over to reduce your footprint. She is under people that follow me, and you can also find her in my comment section. Anyway, I wrote an article for her.