Saturday, January 17, 2009

doing my best

I am so not look forward to this day. Today I have to lay my sister to rest. I have to watch my niece fall apart. I know I can do this, but man I sure don't want to.

Yesterday i helped my mom look through boxes and boxes of pictures so that she could make a photo display of my sister. My niece held up a picture and said "Who is this?" My mom just grinned and said "that is my mom". Mt niece looked at the picture a little long and finally said "She does not look like and alcoholic". So mom said "Well what does an alcoholic look like?" My niece said "dead".

My niece keeps saying that alcohol killed her mom and for the most part she is write. I just hope that she will learn from this and never touch the stuff.

I tried on my suit yesterday and it was a perfect fit. Actually it was a little on the tight side. I just hope that I did not gain any weight between yesterday and today. I guess that answers the question of what to do with all of my suits. I am going to donate them. No sense in keeping stuff that does not fit.

I miss Rusty so much and I so wish he was here for me. I just don't know if I can do this. I just don't know if I can be strong enough to hold it all together for my mom and niece. I just don't know.

I am dealing with more then the loss of a sister, I am dealing with a lot of demons at the same time. I came home when my dad was in his final day's, but he died something like 4 day's after I went back to California. Everyone conversation my mom has with people has the phrase, yes Kelli is here.

I never did come back here when my dad died, and now I have to face the fact that I will see people who probably think I am a heal for not coming back to help my family lay my dad to rest. I know I ran from this place and I know that I have great life now, but as much as I act cold and heartless, I am not.

I am also facing the fact that I think my children are going to loose their grandmother. If my mom get custody of my niece then all the visits by my mother will come to a screeching halt. it sounds easy to say "well just send the children for a visit." but it is not that easy. The girls have job's, and they both want to spend time with my mom, but they do not want to share that time with my niece. I can't say that I blame them.

Today I am going to not only lay my sister to rest, but I am also laying to rest the idea that my mom might actually become an active part of my children's life. I have set my mind to the fact that once I leave Chicago I will be leaving my mom. I can feel my self detaching from this whole situation. It is not good, but I can't stop it. I need to show some emotion, other then a stone cold face, but for whatever reason I can't.

I should go do my hair and start getting ready today. There is only one bathroom here, so it is going to be a hectic morning.

****side note**** go over to reduce your footprint. She is under people that follow me, and you can also find her in my comment section. Anyway, I wrote an article for her.


Gerry said...

I think you are doing your best. I feel bad to think that your sister turned her life over to alcohol, but it happens. No matter what your neice is going to be lot more deprived than your daughters because her mom did not express her love for her in the way she lived. I never got before that she had a drinking problem that could do this. Probably nobody anticipated this, including your sister and your mom. You are getting through it! And showing your strength. Gerry

moshell's lilbit of space said...

Thinking of you this morning Kelli.....

I did see that article yesterday :)

a corgi said...

this is just when you have to draw on not your strength Kelli, but God's strength. You can't get through this alone, but with God holding your hand and guiding you, you can; if you can, you just need to turn the day over to him for his glory and for his honor and keep that in mind as you go through it. You don't have to be strong for your niece/mom; you can grieve too; it is your sister after all and even if you didn't have a close relationship with her, she is still your 'blood'. So cry if you need to; don't hold it back and I think it might help with grieving

I didn't go to my mom's funeral; I didn't even see her before she died; I don't know if people thought I was a heel but with the circumstances going on around me, I just felt I couldn't go, I regret it but I can't take it back; I also regret that I distanced myself from my mom for this and that reason so be very careful if you feel yourself distancing yourself from your mom; you might want to just put those thoughts on the back burner and think about them when you get back home and can talk with Rusty about it. My mom, who dearly loved my sister's 2 daughters and lived with them for 16 years, made time to come out and see her other grandkids (I know its different for your mom if she gets custody of your neice but remember your neice will grow up and eventually be on her own and your mom can then be free to travel); don't think of shutting too many doors now in everyone's acute grief.

praying for you all


Linda's World said...

Kelli ~ remembering you & your family today as you go thru the service for your sister. God will give you the strength to get thru the day. Hugs to you.....Linda in Washington state

Jeanne said...

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for anything. No one lives in your shoes everyday and everyone handles situations and grief differently. They shouldn't judge you...don't let them. You do the things you do because it's the only way you know how to get through it all. That's your choice. When they makes their will be theirs.

I send you lots of ((hugs)) today. I think you might need them.


Trees said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you today, as you lay your sister to rest. God always gives us strength to get through, when we feel we are totally lost. I believe you will do just fine today. Your niece I am sure is in great need of comforting and who better than her Aunt to stand by her side. God bless you on this most difficult day.

Missie said...

Keeping you in my thoughts today!

Melissa said...

have alot on ur shoulders, stay strong, u vsn make it thru it

Tightening the Corset Again said...

Grieve how ever you need to grieve. Grieve whatever losses you feel, whether it be for your sister or the changing relationship between your kids and your mom or whatever is on your heart. Your grief is your personal journey. No one else can guide you or judge you for the paths you take. God is with you, my friend.
loving you and praying for you,

just me said...

Sending love and prayers your way. I know this is a hard time for you, but God will help us if we let him. Don't worry about what others think of how you grieve, everyone has their own way of showing grief.

LIZ said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Its always hard to come up with the right words in these situations. By the way I had to make my blog private I couldnt find your email address so if you could send it to me again I can add you.

Thanks, Liz

ADM DESIGN'S said...

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

Lisa said...

Kelli, you are in my thoughts, sending big hugs your way, Love Lisa

LYN said...


louise said...

Thinking of you xx

he calls me gramma said...

i'm so sorry for your pain, i have a sister who is on a drug treatment plan, she has 2 children and i fear to ever loose her, but will never understand why she can't survive with our drugs. i'm not in her shoes tho, so i can only wonder. my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

Indigo said...

My sweet sister, I hope you felt my hand as I held yours yesterday. I felt the strength you didn't know you had. Yes, there are a lot of demons we can't conquer. Yet we can break the hold they once had over us.

I hope a drunk mom isn't the only view your niece remembers of her mother. Yes, it's a strong possiblity it will keep her from harm with Alcohol, or later in years it will be the force that pushes her toward it. She needs to remember something positive of this woman who gave birth to her.

Feel my arms gently enclose you. You are loved dear one. (Hugs)Indigo

Nelishia said...

This is difficult, nearly impossible but detaching is about the only way I learned to survive it. I made a decision for me. Living with guilt afterward would've been easier without heaps of condemnation thrown on top. My friend, my sister, I have no stones to throw. Try not to make a permanent decision while you are still in such a highly emotional state. Trust in God for your strength and there will be a way made for you without much effort. I'm praying for you from here. I know I'd need Dirk for this if I was in your shoes, so I understand totally your need for Rusty.

Pamela said...

I'm so sorry I've been so far behind. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Will be keeping you in my prayers.

Chrissie said...

So sorry I know all about grandparents that don't have a thing to do with their grandchild, but a chosen one.
So proud of you for making this trip by yourself.
Take care, Chrissie

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