Thursday, April 23, 2009

drinking and blogging

So here I sit. I am getting ready to go get my third wine cooler. Yep I am drinking. They that alcohol is a truth serum, so I guess everything I am about to say is the truth.

Tonight just sucked. Rusty and I were going to go see Kenny Rogers tonight, but when we got to the box office they were sold out. I love Kenny Rogers. Every year my dad would take me to a Kenny Rogers concert. I just love Kenny Rogers. Tonight I did the hair and the make up, and I even put on my dads watch. I thought I would take a little piece of my dad with me.

Nope. No concert for me. I did however get the worst meal I had ever eaten. My heart was just crushed. We have known about this concert for over a month. I could kick myself for not booking the tickets sooner. To be honest I was hoping Rusty would do it for me. You know a little surprise that said "Hey I am thinking of you". Then when Rusty brought it up yesterday, I was a little excited.

How silly am I. Silly me thought that I would have a good time without my children. Silly me. I know better then to dream and have hopes.

So here I sit tonight. Drinking. I told Rusty that maybe my grandmothers, my father and my sister may have had it right. Drink, and then you can't feel any pain. I think they are right. Right now I can feel anything.

I said a lot of other things to Rusty. It mad him mad and he went for a walk. I wish he would have talked to me, but he didn't. I guess that is what happens when you speak from your heart.... you make people mad at you.

Note to self: never tell anyone how you really feel because it will only hurt them.

I hope that my girls realize that the world is their oyster. I hope that they do not settle down and become mom's. I hope that they live their life on the edge, doing everything that they want. I can't say that to my children, but I so want to.

I am so disgusted with my life. I hate it. I am a wife, a mom, and a short order cook. That is all that I am. Nothing more and nothing less. I live a life that will never be written about. I live a life in these four walls. It is very unfulfilled and very stagnant.

I would love to run away and go live with the lions in Africa. I would love to go Ireland and see where my grand parents are from. These are just dreams, and we all know that dreams don't come true. I would love to click my heals and to be able to go someplace fabulous, but I live in the real world.

Here in the real world I can't run away and hide from anything. I am stuck facing everything head on. Even if I don't want to.

I feel as if I have a heavy cloth of sadness hanging on me. I just can't get out from under it. Maybe this is me losing yet another part of me. I stopped dreaming big, but I was hoping for this small thing to happen, and yet it never did. So, maybe this is me mourning the lose of hope for the little things.

If you lose hope what do you have left?

I am so sick of giving to other people. I sick of people asking me to do things, and I do it, but they can't do the simple things for me. People often just push me to the side. I feel as if they are saying "Oh, it is just Kelli. She is so easy going, she won't mind if I blow her off."

Note to self: don't ask people to do anything for you. Then you won't be disappointed when they let you down.

A few weeks ago I told Rusty that I wanted to put a bullet in my head. He did not take me seriously. At that moment in time I really did want to do it. I sometimes think that my husband and children would be better off without me. Lets face it. All I do is cook, clean, and sew. They can hire someone to do that for them. Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself. I am just wondering what's the point? Is there a point to life?

Maybe my world will look brighter in the morning. Right now it looks o.k. If I had not drank all the wine coolers maybe it would look better.



13 comments:

Lisa said...

Awwww Kelli, I'm sorry you did'nt get to go to the concert tonight, yup my life is pretty lame most of the time too and yes I wonder too what the point to my life is, Hugs Lisa

Paula said...

Awww Kelli you are the second person I have read early this morning who is very sad and down. I so hope things will look up for you later today. I'm sure you are very important to Rusty and your kids but they just forget to remind you. Feel better people here love you.

Queenneenee said...

That stinks about your concert! Bummer! But don't be so down on yourself. I'm sure you are appreciated, some people just have NO CLUE of showing it. Keep on doing what you do so selflessly. You are the best, don't ever let anyone tell you different!

LYN said...

you're in a rut...
now is not the time but I will say it anyway..you are the only one who can change yourself..if you are not happy then you need to make the necessary changes...
go to the lake and poder this for a while...
a quick answer would be the word NO..
try it...it's liberating!!
hang in there...

Traci said...

I can't imagine life without you and I've never met you. You are one amazing person and I mean it. Sounds corny but it's true. You make a difference in your kids' and Rusty's lives. And you make a difference in the lives of many animals and Marines.
Love you!

LIZ said...

We all get in a rut sometimes...I guess that is why Im glad I work It has always given me a chance to feel indepedent and needed outside the home. Maybe you should get a part time job just a couple days a week just to get out of the house and do something else besides the everyday housework???

Pamela said...

I'm sorry about missing the concert. That sucks! I'd be so bummed out too.
You are so important to everyone you touch. Don't you know that? But, if you want a change, you have to do it. Why not get a job outside the home for awhile. You might have fun doing it! In the meantime, get a blanket and pack lunch and get to the beach. You always rejuvenate at the beach!
xoxox

Michelle said...

Kellie,

I have been where you are - thinking nobody really needs me - and that maybe they'd be better off with out me.

But, then I eventually snap out of it and realize that I am wrong - they do need you and they love you.

You need to put yourself first when ever that is possible.

It's extra hard when you have special needs child - it makes it very hard to get out and do things for yourself.

Try not to be too hard on yourself - you do so much for everyone else - you are an amazing woman - but like someone else said - just say no when you need to.

Hang in there - venting is good!

Love,

Michelle

Melissa said...

im so sorry that u were so down. Im late in reading this so I hope that ur feeling better by now. I so know the feeling tho. I've thought alot of the samethings that you've mentioned. It sucks and it hurts. So I try not to think about it if I can. Wishing something nice to come your way this weekend *hugs*

Lori said...

What a terrible disappointment about the concert. I really wish it could have worked out. I hope that you are feeling a bit better by now and that things are looking up.

Chrissie said...

Yes I've been there before and it's an awful feeling. I am still trying to figure things out. I was so wrapped up in my marriage and family that I have lost myself and who I was and not quite sure on how to find her again. I only pray that in time I will. I hope you find you again too. I think every mother and wife goes through this period whether they admit it or not.
Hugs

Indigo said...

After reading this NOW you know why I can't drink anymore. If I had and those thoughts were swimming around in my head, I probably would pull the trigger.

Now about you. It's in your nature to be giving to take care of everyone. But once in a while you need to take care of you be nice to you. I'm sorry you couldn't make the Kenny Rogers concert. I'm sure about right now although it would of been nice, you're realizing it wasn't the end of the world.

Talk to Rusty tell him flat out you were hoping he would of taken the initiative and brought the tickets. Guys...some times are really truly idiots that need prompts from us. (Hugs)Indigo

Gerry said...

Wow, I knew I needed to get over here and read this entry but I had to wait until there seemed to be a lull in Jack killing himself. I am finally here, and I thought what does Kelli mean, she is a famous ecco mom, quilt maker and a lot more and people know her as such. I see you have all these followers, so there are that many people who have signed up to read what you write and you have written a lot of entertaining posts to get those people rading you. What do you mean, you aren't doing anything. Well, I know the vine coolers might have made you forget the other side of the coin. I hope I am reading you down the road another five years, because I think you will have thought up all kinds of other interesting stuff to say and do. All you have to do is hang in there, which I know at times is hard to do But I am all for it. Hanging in there, that is. Gerry

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