So here I sit. I am getting ready to go get my third wine cooler. Yep I am drinking. They that alcohol is a truth serum, so I guess everything I am about to say is the truth.
Tonight just sucked. Rusty and I were going to go see Kenny Rogers tonight, but when we got to the box office they were sold out. I love Kenny Rogers. Every year my dad would take me to a Kenny Rogers concert. I just love Kenny Rogers. Tonight I did the hair and the make up, and I even put on my dads watch. I thought I would take a little piece of my dad with me.
Nope. No concert for me. I did however get the worst meal I had ever eaten. My heart was just crushed. We have known about this concert for over a month. I could kick myself for not booking the tickets sooner. To be honest I was hoping Rusty would do it for me. You know a little surprise that said "Hey I am thinking of you". Then when Rusty brought it up yesterday, I was a little excited.
How silly am I. Silly me thought that I would have a good time without my children. Silly me. I know better then to dream and have hopes.
So here I sit tonight. Drinking. I told Rusty that maybe my grandmothers, my father and my sister may have had it right. Drink, and then you can't feel any pain. I think they are right. Right now I can feel anything.
I said a lot of other things to Rusty. It mad him mad and he went for a walk. I wish he would have talked to me, but he didn't. I guess that is what happens when you speak from your heart.... you make people mad at you.
Note to self: never tell anyone how you really feel because it will only hurt them.
I hope that my girls realize that the world is their oyster. I hope that they do not settle down and become mom's. I hope that they live their life on the edge, doing everything that they want. I can't say that to my children, but I so want to.
I am so disgusted with my life. I hate it. I am a wife, a mom, and a short order cook. That is all that I am. Nothing more and nothing less. I live a life that will never be written about. I live a life in these four walls. It is very unfulfilled and very stagnant.
I would love to run away and go live with the lions in Africa. I would love to go Ireland and see where my grand parents are from. These are just dreams, and we all know that dreams don't come true. I would love to click my heals and to be able to go someplace fabulous, but I live in the real world.
Here in the real world I can't run away and hide from anything. I am stuck facing everything head on. Even if I don't want to.
I feel as if I have a heavy cloth of sadness hanging on me. I just can't get out from under it. Maybe this is me losing yet another part of me. I stopped dreaming big, but I was hoping for this small thing to happen, and yet it never did. So, maybe this is me mourning the lose of hope for the little things.
If you lose hope what do you have left?
I am so sick of giving to other people. I sick of people asking me to do things, and I do it, but they can't do the simple things for me. People often just push me to the side. I feel as if they are saying "Oh, it is just Kelli. She is so easy going, she won't mind if I blow her off."
Note to self: don't ask people to do anything for you. Then you won't be disappointed when they let you down.
A few weeks ago I told Rusty that I wanted to put a bullet in my head. He did not take me seriously. At that moment in time I really did want to do it. I sometimes think that my husband and children would be better off without me. Lets face it. All I do is cook, clean, and sew. They can hire someone to do that for them. Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself. I am just wondering what's the point? Is there a point to life?
Maybe my world will look brighter in the morning. Right now it looks o.k. If I had not drank all the wine coolers maybe it would look better.