Why bother?

Years ago when I was a young mom I told my mom that I wanted to come home for Christmas. My mom told me to go make a life for myself and my children, and that my home is wherever my children are.

At the time I hated my mom. I just wanted my children to have a Christmas. Now I don't hate her for that statement. I did just what she said, I went and made a life for my children and I. O.K. I made a life for my children.

At this point in time I do not like where my life is. I am in a place that is sucking the life out of me.

I am trying to help Chris make some hard decisions, but I did not sign up for this. I said I would help him out where I could. Instead I am sitting here helping this young move ahead with his life. No easy task there. I would love to go smack his parents for not teaching this child any street smarts.

I am slowly draining what little stash of money I did have. I am so sick of paying Ambers cell phone and paying for her car insurance. If her phone was not under our name I would have just let that bill go. But I can't do that. This child needs to get a job.

Nikki's world has spinning worse then anything I have ever seen. Between a youth pastor that won't do anything, to trips being changed at the last minute, to new and exciting doors opening for her. Oh and she got an awesome job! I never agreed to ride the Nikki tornado, yet I am sitting front and center waiting for something else to drop on me!

Rusty said I have three trip planned for this summer. I have to go to Portland, Washington and Kodiak Alaska. I immediately said, I am going to Alaska with you. I want to see Elle and I want to soak up some of the Alaska beauty. Maybe I can find someone to show me around the island? Yesterday that dream was crushed. I looked at the price of tickets to Alaska and there is no way my stash will even cover the ticket.

I have a separate bank account that I stash money in, it is also the bank where child support is suppose to be deposited. The child support has stopped coming in and the account is slowly being drained. If I could afford the ticket to Alaska we would not be able to feed me or do anything else. Sure I would have a free hotel room, because Rusty's company would pay for his but I want to do stuff while I was in Alaska.

Last night I just cried as I watched the deadliest catch. I know that I will not be able to see the beauty of Alaska for a long time.

Another thing I planned for this summer was to road trip with my girlfriend and her triplets. My girlfriend Sonja is getting stationed at 29 Palms and I was going to help her drive from Iowa to California. That also has been squashed like a bug. Now Sonja's mom wants to road trip out here. It looks like I have another dull summer ahead of me.

I have been looking for a big cat rescue group in our area. I would like the opportunity to work with some big cat's, maybe foster some babies for them? Rusty said no, but it was not the firm no that would say "I mean it". I can't even find a big cat rescue in our area, and yet we have have mountain lions and bob cat's all over out here.

Thursday I am heading to 29 Palms to take a quilt to a marine that is leaving. I actually have two tie blankets done, so I am also going to take them up as well. I will give the extra's out to two marines. Why has this become my job? Why is it my job to love, sew, cook, and cry over these marines. I hear people say that you should cut stress out of your life, and yet more marines keep showing up here.

Is this the life I have made for myself? A life of sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else go have a life? Here in a few years it will be time to redefine my life once again.

A dear friend keeps telling me that I need to get out and get a life. That I should stop helping my children reach for the star's and start reaching for the stars myself. She is right, but I don't want to speak her right now, because I know that she is right.

I know someday the girls will leave and make a life for themselves. That should be the time for me to start a new life. A life that is centered around me. A life that allows me to do what I want.

But I still have Ryan.......