Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Why bother?

Years ago when I was a young mom I told my mom that I wanted to come home for Christmas. My mom told me to go make a life for myself and my children, and that my home is wherever my children are.
At the time I hated my mom. I just wanted my children to have a Christmas. Now I don't hate her for that statement. I did just what she said, I went and made a life for my children and I. O.K. I made a life for my children.
At this point in time I do not like where my life is. I am in a place that is sucking the life out of me.
I am trying to help Chris make some hard decisions, but I did not sign up for this. I said I would help him out where I could. Instead I am sitting here helping this young move ahead with his life. No easy task there. I would love to go smack his parents for not teaching this child any street smarts.
I am slowly draining what little stash of money I did have. I am so sick of paying Ambers cell phone and paying for her car insurance. If her phone was not under our name I would have just let that bill go. But I can't do that. This child needs to get a job.
Nikki's world has spinning worse then anything I have ever seen. Between a youth pastor that won't do anything, to trips being changed at the last minute, to new and exciting doors opening for her. Oh and she got an awesome job! I never agreed to ride the Nikki tornado, yet I am sitting front and center waiting for something else to drop on me!
Rusty said I have three trip planned for this summer. I have to go to Portland, Washington and Kodiak Alaska. I immediately said, I am going to Alaska with you. I want to see Elle and I want to soak up some of the Alaska beauty. Maybe I can find someone to show me around the island? Yesterday that dream was crushed. I looked at the price of tickets to Alaska and there is no way my stash will even cover the ticket.
I have a separate bank account that I stash money in, it is also the bank where child support is suppose to be deposited. The child support has stopped coming in and the account is slowly being drained. If I could afford the ticket to Alaska we would not be able to feed me or do anything else. Sure I would have a free hotel room, because Rusty's company would pay for his but I want to do stuff while I was in Alaska.
Last night I just cried as I watched the deadliest catch. I know that I will not be able to see the beauty of Alaska for a long time.
Another thing I planned for this summer was to road trip with my girlfriend and her triplets. My girlfriend Sonja is getting stationed at 29 Palms and I was going to help her drive from Iowa to California. That also has been squashed like a bug. Now Sonja's mom wants to road trip out here. It looks like I have another dull summer ahead of me.
I have been looking for a big cat rescue group in our area. I would like the opportunity to work with some big cat's, maybe foster some babies for them? Rusty said no, but it was not the firm no that would say "I mean it". I can't even find a big cat rescue in our area, and yet we have have mountain lions and bob cat's all over out here.
Thursday I am heading to 29 Palms to take a quilt to a marine that is leaving. I actually have two tie blankets done, so I am also going to take them up as well. I will give the extra's out to two marines. Why has this become my job? Why is it my job to love, sew, cook, and cry over these marines. I hear people say that you should cut stress out of your life, and yet more marines keep showing up here.
Is this the life I have made for myself? A life of sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else go have a life? Here in a few years it will be time to redefine my life once again.
A dear friend keeps telling me that I need to get out and get a life. That I should stop helping my children reach for the star's and start reaching for the stars myself. She is right, but I don't want to speak her right now, because I know that she is right.
I know someday the girls will leave and make a life for themselves. That should be the time for me to start a new life. A life that is centered around me. A life that allows me to do what I want.
But I still have Ryan.......


Nelishia said...

Rusty and dear friends that will hold on with you. DURING.

I want to be like the family on the Walton's show. I want all the children and grandchildren here for the holidays. They don't want to be. They go to their in-laws or stay at their homes. It will always hurt. My dream and my stars are my family. Your Mother pushed it away.

I only wish that someday she'd realize what a fascinating intelligent interesting young woman you turned out to be. And your children, they're her blood. That used to mean something back when I was a kid.

a corgi said...

you know, Kelli, you really are doing a good service for Chris; I know its tough and I know its something you would prefer not to do, but imagine if you weren't around, how lost Chris would be. At church the other day our pastor said that kids who are in foster care and get aged out when they are 18, 60% of them end up in jail, doing drugs, or even suicide because they just can't make it on their own without a support system in place. That's why the church is trying to get transitional housing for them. Imagine if you weren't there to help Chris.......he could be a statistic like are doing a good job here, I know its hard though!!!!!! I will help with whatever I can.....just let me know.........

I'm so sorry life isn't going good right really do have a lot going for you....a loving husband, 2 beautiful daughters......and a great teenage son........

hugs to you!!! let me know what I can to do help.....


Missie said...

I'm feeling it with ya! I have a almost 19 year old who refuses to get a job. I'm also paying for her cell (on our contract so I have to keep paying) and car insurance. Gas, spending money. I know she goes to college full time but she could work part time.

It's getting really frustrating!

Have a good rest of your week!

Melissa said...

sorry ur having a hard time

Maire said...

Hi, just found your journal, I identify fully with what you are saying...hang in there

just me said...

I so know what you mean.

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lake elsinore, ca
I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!