Saturday, March 21, 2009

oh just go away

I made a huge mistake yesterday. I spoke to my mother. She actually called to talk to Ryan, Because Ryan turned 14 yesterday. I made the mistake of actually talking to my mother.
I heard all about how hard her life is, and how much she needed a vacation. She did put off her vacation to Mexico until the child from hell was on spring break.
Please mother tell how hard is your life? Have you ever looked behind yourself to see all the destruction that you have caused? Have you ever wondered why people run from you?
O.K. lets see in the last month you have taken everything from my brother in law. Everything. I sit and wonder why? What gives you the right to walk into peoples lives and just tear them apart so that you can have your way?
Please mother tell me how hard your life is as you run away to Mexico for a much needed vacation. Please give me a vivid description of the sunset. Please keep whining to me about you not going on a vacation in 6 months. Maybe I will be able dig deep down in my sympathy jar and find some for you. I doubt that will happen since I have not had a no shit vacation in over 19 years. Rusty and I just planned a night out, and Nikki is bitching because it is the day after her birthday. My sympathy jar is empty.
Please mother, tell me, how do sleep at night, knowing that you still choose between your grandchildren. Please tell me how it feels to have your other grandchildren so badly want to to go on a vacation, and you don't even offer to take them. How does it feel to slowly be isolating your own grandchildren?
Please mother let me paint you a picture. See that red spot? That is my from my head banging against the wall, just hoping that you would love me. The green is for all the money that you are now trying to throw at me. Do you really think money is going to stop the hurt? Dark blue is color I have turned by biting my lips so many times. So many times I said nothing because I did not feel it was my place. Purple is the color I wear for mourning. Mourning the loss of a mother, because I am finally starting to just let go of the idea of a loving mother. Black and white are the colors I see in. I see them very clearly, you have made those colors very vivid for me.
The one color you are not going to take from me is sky blue. Blue is the sky and I am still going to reach for it, despite your best efforts to keep me down. You may have banged me up a little bit, but my wings still work and I will never allow you to clip them.


Melissa said...

glad u are still staying strong

Odd Mom Out said...

I'd say get caller ID and use it.

Paula said...

I agree with odd mom out get caller ID but then maybe you did want Ryan to get the call for his birthday since he probably doesn't understand what your mom is up to. Anyway I hope he did have a nice birthday with all of you.

nancybrownowl said...

hi kelli. good to see your keeping your chin up take care love from fergus and minnie woof woof xx and happy mothers day from scotland to youxx

Nelishia said...

You wrote that so well. I wish you'd write a book about all of this. I'd be the first to actually buy it. Tell Nikki that ministry starts at home. You and Rusty need to get out too.

Thank you for the ear candle suggestion. We did it today as I was in excruciating pain. It helped so much.

Thank you. There's not much I can say about your Mother other than she's way out there in her own little world. It's gonna get very lonely one day.


Lisa said...

Kelli, Sorry your mom is like that, but you turned out to be an awesome person regardless, Hugs Lisa

Gerry said...

I find this entry sad because it reminds me so much of how I felt about my own mother for many years. If your mother is your worst enemy you can only sugar coat that fact so much, because it shocks other people so much to hear. But strangely things did get better and I thought they never would. She stopped trying to deliberately hurt me, as she experienced the dementia and stroke damage in old age. People don't understand that it was better to me when she could no long speak because she had said so many poisonous things in her life time, especially to and about me. It sounds like your mother is a very primitive soul like my mother, who just does not know what it is to be fair and to love all the kids she bears, and to help them to love each other. Hers was a negative legacy to the other sisters as well. I know these wounds are very hard to take especially when they are ongoing. But I am not going to argue with you, because I know there are mothers like her, and their children do well to survive them.

natalie said...

Dear Kelli
I;m so sorry sweetie.
I hope and pray that she gets sweeter towards you.

Pamela said...

I'm so sorry Kelli. Is that a chance that she will read this letter? I hope so.

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